AntiGone
by Silver Phoenix Falling
Summary: Rediscovered this parodyfic I wrote a few years ago. Not much to say about it... Warning: this fic contains extreme silliness and insanity.


Persons Represented

Antigone: daughter of the late king of Thebes, Oedipus; tomboy, rude

Ismene: Daughter of Oedipus; mushy, lover/romantic kind of person

Creon: haughty, medieval-talking person; successor to the throne

Sentinel: a blubbering idiot

Haemon: son of Creon; rebellious

Chorus: group of chickens that cluck stories

Tiresias: A blind salamander that lives in a cave

Messenger

Eurydice: Creon's wife, always wants the right thing

Guards; Attendants

Antigone: Yo, Iz! You hear what our unk Creon said or are you just chicken?

Ismene: Oh, Antigone. I wish you wouldn't tease so much. It is not characteristic of a betrothed girl.

Antigone: Betrothed schmetrothed! Who cares? Unk said that our brother Polynices can't be buried while our other brother Eteocles gets a kingly burial! That is sooo out! I'm gonna be hip and bury Poly. You gonna be hip and help me bury Poly?

Ismene: (_sounding shocked_) Oh, but Antigone! You are practically committing suicide! Don't do that! Life is a bowl of cherries. Eat them in peace and happiness! Don't be bad and cool and break the law!

Antigone: I don't care. I'm going to bury Polynices!

Ismene: Good luck, and fare thee well!

CHORUS

Suqak buk cluck!

Cluck cluck buk buk squak

Squak buk cluck cluck squeep!

Buk buk cluck cluck

Squak squak cluck cluck

Squeep squak cluck cluck

Buk buk buk cluck squak!

Squeep buk buk buk squak

Cluck cluck cluck!

Squak buk buk buk

Squeep buk buk buk.

Cluck cluck cluck

Squak cluck cluck cluck

Squeep!

Buk buk buk squak

Cluck cluck squak cluck.

Cluck buk buk cluck!

Squeep cluck buk buk cluck.

Cluck buk buk cluck bwak!

Author's note: For the convenience of my readers, I will translate this and all parts of the ode from now on.

Translation:

I.1

Twinkle, twinkle little star,

How I wonder what you are.

Up above the world so high

Like a diamond in the sky,

Twinkle, twinkle little star,

How I wonder what you are.

I.2

Rock a bye baby

On the tree top,

When the wind blows,

The cradle will rock.

When the bough breaks,

The cradle will fall

And down will come baby,

Cradle and all.

II.1

Gunk, gunk went the little green frog one day,

Gunk, gunk went the little green frog.

Gunk, gunk went the little green frog one day,

And his eyes went ah! ah! gunk!

II.2

I love you. You love me.

Let's all kill Antigone,

With a great big kick

And a punch from me to her,

Won't you say you hate her too? Enter CREON

Creon: Sirs, methinks I am the new king, as there are no more male relatives to Labdacus. Hail me as king! My first job will be to order the burial of my dear cousin, Eteocles. Let us bury him like the wonderful sovereign he was. However, his brother, Polynices, whom, I regret, is also my brother (that fool, that _woman_ of a man!), shame on him for starting a war! He shan't be buried, and none may bewail him! That is my decree, and sentinels are posted, making sure my decree is kept unbroken. 

I Senator: You are great and just! We are all glad to obey your most just statements!

Creon: I am, aren't I? (_flexes muscles nonchalantly_) Enter a SENTINEL

Sentinel: S-s-sir! I h-have some b-b-bad information! P-p-p-please d-d-don't k-kill or t-t-torture me! I'm just a messenger! 

Creon: I shall see about that! Pray tell your tidings of bad.

Sentinel: T-t-the body of P-p-polynices w-was b-b-buried! I swear I didn't do it! I swear on the almighty Tintin book!

Creon: Your comrades, then? Surely they must have done it!

Sentinel: N-no, none of us did it, I tell you! I promise you!

Creon: Thou art a fool! Go now, to thy foolish friends and if you do not find who did this heinous deed, you shall DIE!

Sentinel: Y-y-yes, sir King. (_backs out nervously_) Exit CREON, attended

Sentinel: Phew! I'm safe! EXIT SENTINEL 

CHORUS

I.1

Mary had a little lamb

Little lamb,

Little lamb.

Mary had a little lamb

Whose fleece was white as snow.

I.2

And everywhere that Mary went

Mary went,

Mary went.

Everywhere that Mary went

The lamb was sure to go.

II.1

It followed her to school one day

School one day,

School one day.

It followed her to school one day

Which was against the rules.

II.2

It made the children laugh and play

Laugh and play,

Laugh and play.

It made the children laugh and play

And kill the teacher too. Enter SENTINEL with ANITGONE and I Senator

Sentinel: We caught the culprit! Where is (_suddenly starts shaking_) Creon? 

I Senator: He is in the gym, building his muscles. (_starts to shout_) Oh Cre-eon! Exit SENTINEL with ANTIGONE

Creon: Alright already! Why did thou, but a lowly Senator, interrupt me, the king? The reason had better be good. 

I Senator: Sir, the culprit has been caught!

Creon: Ah, who is he? Enter SENTINEL with ANTIGONE

Sentinel: I-it's Antigone, t-this woman, sir King. 

Creon: (_incredulously_) Antigone?! My renegade niece?! Surely not!

Antigone: Yeah, me, unk Cre. You are so un-hip, it hurts MY rep! I had to fix it and be cool. And, might I add, you have a rep in town as being out. Everyone thinks you stink!

Creon: Grrr! You'll pay for this! Lock her up!

Antigone: Thanks unk! One more thing: your nickname in town is unk the punk! Ha! Ha! Ha! (_laughs hard_) Exit ANTIGONE, guarded, and SENTINEL

CHORUS

Hi, Ismene!

Wassup?

Why are you crying? Enter ISMENE

Creon: What are you doing, Ismene? Are you also a partner in crime? Oh, wait! You're a _woman_, too weak to do _anything_! 

Ismene: Oh, but you are as mean as Antigone! It is un-romantic for a king to talk like that!

Creon: You're a stupid woman! How dare you boss me around?!!

Ismene: I am sorry, but 'tis wrong to tease. Please, let me be killed with Antigone! Enter ANTIGONE, but stand in the back

Antigone: (_shouting_) I heard that! Cut the romantic junk, Ismene! 

Ismene: (_sees Antigone_) Antigone! You're alive! I've been so worried about you! (_rushes to embrace Antigone_)

Antigone: (_pushing Ismene away_) Cut the romanticism! And I won't be alive soon; you already know that. See ya in the Underworld! Death, here I come! Exit ANTIGONE

Ismene: (_exasperated_) Will she never lose that cheek?! Exeunt ISMENE

Creon: Amusing, 'specially from a _woman_. They're so frivolous. That reminds me. Here's my new decree: No one may step on that tile. It's too pretty to be stepped on. 

I Senator: Wonderful decree! And I agree with you wholly; women are sooo stupid.

CHORUS

I.1

Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep,

And doesn't know where to find them.

Leave them alone,

And they'll come back home,

Wagging their tails behind them.

I.2

Goosie, goosie gander,

Where shall you wander?

Upstairs and downstairs

And in my lady's chamber.

There, I met an old man,

Who wouldn't say his prayers,

So I took him by the left leg and threw him down the stairs.

II.1

Little Miss Muffet

Sat on a tuffet

Eating her curds and whey.

Along came a spider,

And sat down beside her,

And frightened Miss Muffet away.

II.2

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.

She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.

She gave them some broth

Without any bread,

And whipped them all soundly,

And put them to bed. Enter HAEMON

Creon: Hello, my son. What have you done now? What makes you worthy enough to come in front of me? 

Haemon: I heard you put my very cool fiancée into jail to be executed. Normally, I wouldn't care, but since YOU said that, of COURSE, I have to rebel. You better get her out of jail and cancel that sentence, or else!

Creon: Why? Why should I listen to you, my punk of a son? I'm too good to listen to anyone, especially a punk like you. (_sticks nose into air_)

Haemon: Because I said so, that's why! I know my fiancée better than you, and as I said, she is very cool. And a fellow "punk," as you put it, does not deserve to be jailed! And, again, since you said it, I'm madder than heck! You REALLY need to get a life!

Creon: I don't care! I'll do whatever I want! No _woman_ or _punk child_ will order me!

Haemon: See you in death, Dad. Exit HAEMON

Creon: Headstrong, he is. 

I Senator: Yup. Exit CREON, attended

CHORUS

I.1

Clean-up, Clean up,

Everybody, everywhere.

Clean-up, Clean-up,

Everybody do your share.

I.2 Enter ANTIGONE, guarded

Antigone: Sally the camel has ten humps. 

Sally the camel has ten humps.

Sally the camel has ten humps,

So ride, Sally, ride boom, boom, boom

Chorus: Sally the camel has nine humps.

Sally the camel has nine humps.

Sally the camel has nine humps,

So ride, Sally, ride boom, boom, boom

II.1 Exit ANTIGONE, guarded ENTER HAEMON

Haemon: Sally the camel has eight humps. 

Sally the camel has eight humps.

Sally the camel has eight humps,

So ride, Sally, ride boom, boom, boom

Chorus: Sally the camel has seven humps.

Sally the camel has seven humps.

Sally the camel has seven humps,

So ride, Sally, ride boom, boom, boom

II.2 Exit HAEMON Enter CREON

Creon: Sally the camel has six humps. 

Sally the camel has six humps.

Sally the camel has six humps,

So ride, Sally, ride boom, boom, boom Enter ANTIGONE and CREON, attended

Creon: So it is time. It shall be wonderful to see you die. 

I Senator: Yeah (_guffaws stupidly_)

Antigone: Yeah, man. I can't wait! At least I don't have to marry! Death, here I come, baby!!!

Creon: That is not right, for a _woman_ to want to die! 'Tis strange.

Antigone: Yeah, but I'm strange. (_grins_)

Creon: Okay, well, come along. Let's go!

Antigone: Oh yeah! I'm gonna be locked in a cave, aren't I? That must be the most hip thing you've ever done, unk! Thanks! Exeunt ANTIGONE, guarded

Creon: That girl never ceases to amaze me! (_rolls eyes exasperatedly_) Exit CREON, attended

CHORUS

I.1

Sally the camel has five humps.

Sally the camel has five humps.

Sally the camel had five humps,

So ride, Sally, ride boom, boom, boom

I.2 Enter ANTIGONE, guarded

Antigone: Sally the camel has four humps. 

Sally the camel has four humps.

Sally the camel has four humps,

So ride, Sally, ride boom, boom, boom

Chorus: Sally the camel has three humps.

Sally the camel has three humps.

Sally the camel has three humps,

So ride, Sally, ride boom, boom, boom

II.1 Exit ANTIGONE Enter I Senator

I Senator: Sally the camel has two humps. 

Sally the camel has two humps.

Sally the camel has two humps,

So ride, Sally, ride boom, boom, boom

Chorus: Sally the camel has one hump.

Sally the camel has one hump.

Sally the camel has one hump,

So die, Sally, die bang, bang, bang, bang Exit I Senator

II.2 

This old man,

He played one.

He played knick-knack on his thumb

With a knick-knack, paddy whack, give a dog a bone,

This old man came rolling home. Enter TIRESIAS and CREON, attended

Creon: Hello, little old Tiresias, who is so stupid, I shouldn't be letting in my sight. 

Tiresias: You'd better be careful, 'cuz, no matter what you say, I'm still stronger than you.

Creon: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. What dost thou want, anyway?

Tiresias: You've made some really powerful enemies by burying Antigone alive, Creon. You'd better be careful.

Creon: Me? Make powerful enemies? Impossible!

Tiresias: Not entirely. You have made them, so be careful.

Creon: Yeah. Right. I don't believe thee. Why should I believe a tiny, little, blind cave salamander? Ha! I stomp on thee, salamander! (_Stomps foot next to Tiresias_)

Tiresias: Why do you want to stomp on me, Creon? It won't change anything. And you'll get everyone madder at you.

Creon: Who cares? Leave before I step on you. Exeunt TIRESIAS

Creon: Oh, great. Now methinks our best seer has finally gone mad. 

I Senator: Yeah. Same here.

Creon: I thank thee for seeing my point of view. Even though thou art but a lowly Senator.

I Senator: (_bowing_) At your service, Majesty.

Creon: Oh well. Let's go. Exit CREON, attended

CHORUS

I.1

This old man

He played two.

He played knick-knack on his shoe

With a knick-knack, paddy whack give a dog a bone,

This old man came rolling home.

I.2

This old man

He played three.

He played knick-knack on his knee

With a knick-knack, paddy whack give a dog a bone,

This old man came rolling home.

II.1

This old man

He played four

He played knick-knack on his door

With a knick-knack, paddy whack give a dog a bone,

This old man came rolling home.

II.2

This old man

He played five

He played knick-knack on a hive

With a knick-knack, paddy whack give a dog a bone,

This old man came rolling home. Enter a Messenger

Messenger: Guess what Creon! You're really NOT going to like this! 

Creon: What NOW?! One thinkest people need SOME break, to rest in peace and quiet.

Messenger: Someone you know really well has died.

Creon: Not again! Who is it?

Messenger: Your son, Haemon. He killed himself when he saw Antigone had done the same in the cave. He told me that you need to be more hip.

Creon: Woe is me! Maybe Antigone and my son were right; I do need to be more hip! Huh? What am I saying?! I am king! Everything I do is right! Scratch that. You are dismissed, messenger. Exit Messenger Enter EURYDICE

Creon: Ah, Eurydice, my dear wife! What news hast thou brought? 

Eurydice: Your son is dead. Don't you think you should be mourning? (_gives Creon and evil glare_)

Creon: (_ignoring evil glare_) Why should I mourn such a rebellious child? And WHY, oh WHY, do women seem to want to order me around?

Eurydice: CREON, YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT! I am ASHAMED to call you my husband. You won't see my face while I am alive, ever!

Creon: I don't care. You are just a _woman_. EURYDICE stomps away

Creon: No one seems to like me. 

I Senator: I like you.

Creon: That just sounds SICK! Exit CREON, attended

CHORUS

I.1

This old man

He played six.

He played knick-knack on my sticks

With a knick-knack, paddy whack give a dog a bone,

This old man came rolling home. Enter Messenger

Messenger: Eurydice is dead! Exit Messenger

I.2 

This old man

H played seven.

He played knick-knack up to heaven

With a knick-knack, paddy whack give a dog a bone,

This old man came rolling home.

Enter CREON

Creon: Everyone close to me is dead! Someone kill me!

Exit Creon

II.1

This old man

He played eight.

He played knick-knack on a gate

With a knick-knack, paddy whack give a dog a bone,

This old man came rolling home.

Enter I Senator

I Senator: Yeah. Now maybe you'll abdicate.

II.2

This old man

He played nine.

He played knick-knack on a dime

With a knick-knack, paddy whack give a dog a bone,

This old man came rolling home.

Enter CREON

Creon: Someone kill me!

III.1

This old man

He played ten

He played knick-knack on a hen

With a knick-knack, paddy whack give a dog a bone,

This old man came rolling home.

I Senator: Never! Kill yourself if you want!

IV.1

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the King's horses and all the King's men

Couldn't put Humpty together again.

Creon: I can't!

III.2

Little Jack Horner

Sat in a corner

Eating his Christmas pie.

He put in his thumb

And pulled out a plum

And said, "What a good boy am I!"

I Senator: Oh well, then. Abdicate in my favor, and I will kill you.

IV.2

Jack be nimble

Jack be quick

Jack jump over the candlestick.

Creon: I abdicate in your favor! Now kill me!

_Exeunt omnes._


End file.
